Failing and flailing...

Am I enabling or advocating? I guess that I am doing both, albeit not well on either side to the point I feel like a failure. There I said it. I am a failure.

Before you feel bad or write helpful messages (Which do help so thank you for them!), understand why I say that I am a failure.

I received a call from the assistant principal today to discuss Jeremy's behavior from last week. He was put in another teacher's classroom to take his math test, 25 multiple choice problems in his favorite subject. Well after doing just a few questions in 90 minutes time, he told both teachers that he would not take his test. He proceeded to put an eraser up his nose and then fling it at a random student. He spent the rest of the day in the office. The assistant principal then tells me that they are going to hold Jere back from participating in the fun activities that will be taking place at the end of the school year if he won't do his work. They have done this up to now mind you, and it seems to make no difference as it is almost May, and he has just about missed most fun activities since the first of the year for the same reason. I then ask the assistant principal if he thinks Jere doesn't do his work because he can't or because he just doesn't want to do it. The assistant principal couldn't answer. I couldn't answer. The answer is we just don't know why he  refuses to work. We don't know what is causing it.

When I asked his teacher if she has seen a child like Jere in her experience, she hasn't. The school doesn't seem to have seen a child like Jeremy before so they aren't sure how to help. How is that possible? Where did I go wrong?

If I fight for him and he is just being defiant, I am enabling. If I fight for him and he has a true disability or learning issue, I am advocating. How can I tell the difference? How could you?

We have tried medicines, a number of them. We will continue to try them with the hopes that my child will go to class for a full week with no issues. I never thought I would be grateful for a week. I always pictured my babies growing up to be the brightest and best in class, not the ones in the middle or bottom. I sit here now not sure how to create self motivation and a sense of pride. If I could will him to do it, I would have had him graduating with honors at 8. I can give him pep talks. I can punish him. Nothing I have tried so far has worked. I can tell you that my basement is full of prizes and my vocal chords are permanently strained and he still doesn't do his work.

I have resented and blamed Brian. I am not too proud to say I have thought about divorce. If we would have separated, I am fairly certain Jere would be the same with half the parenting power to try to help him. I have blamed the school. Walking away from them won't help him because a village is going to need to raise this child as Brian and I haven't been able to do it so far alone. I have blamed Jeremy. This kid is just so damn smart that he calls my bluff time and again. Someday he will be well served, but if I can't figure out how to get him to do his morning work, he will be in 4th grade until he is 40.

So here I am all naked, raw and sad hoping that if I type it out loud for the world to see that I am failing, that I have failed, that may be someone can help or may be someone knows someone who knows someone who can help. May be someone has that magic potion or magic mommy voodoo that can help me get back up in the saddle and figure this out. Right now I am out of options and my hope bucket is dried up.

Words...

Words...words are spoken and written every day of the week. Many are kind...many just the opposite...many are interpreted differently than their intent.

We have settled or would like to assume that we have settled in to the post-Christmas routine, survival until March. We put our heads down and try not to curl in the fetal position while we cry from the cold cracking our lips and freezing our toes. We like to escape to the inside of gyms for relief.

Jere had his basketball practice tonight. It was to be a good ending to a good day. We had our first appointment with our latest attempt to find the cause versus treat the symptoms with what prevents Jere from being his best. He really liked the counselor and she listened to our words today. She didn't want to hear what happened...She wanted to hear what is happening. It was refreshing. Jere went in nervous (as did I) and came out confident and hopeful. He went to school as excited as I have seen him in quite a while.

I received a text from Zach that arrived late in the day with words that read, "Jere got all of his homework done. He got a nine." No kidding I thought. He must be wrong. Jere NEVER does his homework. EVER. Wow...we are turning this week around after a really tough start.

I finished my day driving home on the phone with a vendor speaking words about giving his boss a hard time about a decision he made to not attend an upcoming trip. I ended the call as I pulled up into my garage. I sat for just a second in there, gathering myself to prepare for the daily battle of homework and dinner. I can do this. It's Wednesday. We are at the mid point. One night of fighting after this.

I walk in to silence. Not possible. No screaming or yelling or running dog with children. Homework is done. My children are content. Dinner was warmed up and we ate quickly so Jere could get ready for basketball. Off he goes with Daddy in the car. "Have fun buddy!" "Okay Mommy!"

The next hour was a blur as I spoke with a neighbor to get my girl chat bucket filled up. I went home smiling. Jere's teacher called to discuss the great day. I cleaned up the kitchen getting ready to celebrate with ice cream sundaes. No whipped cream, no problem. We have SPRINKLES!! Best mom ever award coming my way. Then it happened.

Jere walked in the door with the look. The "I am totally drowning and if you touch me I will sob" look. "Hey Bud! How was basketball?" His flush little face was so devastated. What could have happened in an hour? What did Brian do now to ruin it all? Jere came over to me, grabbed me and just sobbed. Brian came around the corner with a devastated panicked look. "Jere is upset." "I am not going to jail." What?!? We are having ice cream sundaes! There is no talk of jail.

We sit down and talk it out. Apparently something happened where Jere sat down and a coach, A COACH, came over to him and said, "Some people don't listen. When they don't listen they can go down a bad path and end up in jail." Jere took that to mean he was going to jail, and immediately went over to Brian. Brian spoke with the coach to tell him his words hurt. The coach said of course he didn't mean what Jere felt. The coach apologized but his words were out there hanging in space forever to loom in the back of Jere's mind.

Words....how many words do you say or write in a day? My child was completely devastated today by words. I know I don't always say the right words, but because of my amazing, brilliant son, I will tell you that I choose them more carefully. I don't blame the coach. I want the village to raise my child, and I know he was trying to teach a lesson. I hope my words of encouragement stomped on those looming words to help them sting a little less. I also hope that words will be used for the greater good as we progress through life because we just don't have time on our sides to fix all the damage we are creating with our words.

Please pay it forward...say a kind word tomorrow to someone at random to kick start the cycle of kind words. My words for you are thank you for your encouragement to keep going and give a podium and voice to this tired yet hopeful mom.

Why Am I Here?

So many thoughts...so little time. If I could keep track of everything I thought about in a day, I would be exhausted. What's for dinner. Did I get that contract signed? Was I respectful while I was frustrated in that meeting? Did I call for Jeremy's appointment? Jeremy's appointment.

Jeremy's appointment for what? To get a new script written for another month or two to help me believe that I was going to actually figure why he is even taking the meds? Why am I doing this? Because I want to believe that I will finally figure this out. Finally find happy for Jeremy. For Zach. For Brian. For Me.

So what's actually WRONG with Jeremy? Nothing. Other than he gets extremely emotional and physical when his expectation is not reality. Autism one doctor told us. Oppositionally defiant another said. Rigid and inflexible yet another. Aggressive ADHD was yet another speculation. I myself have diagnosed him with Anxiety. With my MD and board certification in Web Surfing in Diagnostic Medicine. I am not sure any of these are right or wrong, but I have a cabinet full of meds that have masked the symptoms until he enters a new phase of development. Then we go crying back to the doctor to treat what the current issue is. And again we mask the issue for a few more months.

So what's right with Jeremy? Everything! His smile. His genuine concern for others. The way he tries to write cursive or does math in his head. He can build a zoo train car out of Lego pieces from the jail Zach received. He can make a Ninja star out of folding cardboard from a Sam's Club pack of Healthy Choice meals that he has claimed as his own. His amazing appetite to try everything at least once, whether food or activity. He is brilliant. His testing even said so. Borderline Genius...they said imagine what he could do if he really wanted to take the test and do well. Amazing...

I have made this year, 2014, the year that I will finally figure out how to do the right thing for Jeremy, for us, for my employer, for the school, for our family. I have also declared that I will finally get all of these emotions and thoughts in my head out for the world or no one to read. I am doing this for so many others who are struggling to come up with answers. I want to stop hiding and start fighting for all of us who want help and know we need help but have no idea which direction to turn.

I am going to sound selfish, angry, funny and outrageous at times. I may be even offensive but I want to apologize in advance. I may sound whiny and pitiful, but I don't feel like my life is worse than yours. I know others would be envious of the battle I face compared to the one they are facing themselves. I just need to get this out. My therapy.

With that, buckle up because this might get interesting!