Am I enabling or advocating? I guess that I am doing both, albeit not well on either side to the point I feel like a failure. There I said it. I am a failure.
Before you feel bad or write helpful messages (Which do help so thank you for them!), understand why I say that I am a failure.
I received a call from the assistant principal today to discuss Jeremy's behavior from last week. He was put in another teacher's classroom to take his math test, 25 multiple choice problems in his favorite subject. Well after doing just a few questions in 90 minutes time, he told both teachers that he would not take his test. He proceeded to put an eraser up his nose and then fling it at a random student. He spent the rest of the day in the office. The assistant principal then tells me that they are going to hold Jere back from participating in the fun activities that will be taking place at the end of the school year if he won't do his work. They have done this up to now mind you, and it seems to make no difference as it is almost May, and he has just about missed most fun activities since the first of the year for the same reason. I then ask the assistant principal if he thinks Jere doesn't do his work because he can't or because he just doesn't want to do it. The assistant principal couldn't answer. I couldn't answer. The answer is we just don't know why he refuses to work. We don't know what is causing it.
When I asked his teacher if she has seen a child like Jere in her experience, she hasn't. The school doesn't seem to have seen a child like Jeremy before so they aren't sure how to help. How is that possible? Where did I go wrong?
If I fight for him and he is just being defiant, I am enabling. If I fight for him and he has a true disability or learning issue, I am advocating. How can I tell the difference? How could you?
We have tried medicines, a number of them. We will continue to try them with the hopes that my child will go to class for a full week with no issues. I never thought I would be grateful for a week. I always pictured my babies growing up to be the brightest and best in class, not the ones in the middle or bottom. I sit here now not sure how to create self motivation and a sense of pride. If I could will him to do it, I would have had him graduating with honors at 8. I can give him pep talks. I can punish him. Nothing I have tried so far has worked. I can tell you that my basement is full of prizes and my vocal chords are permanently strained and he still doesn't do his work.
I have resented and blamed Brian. I am not too proud to say I have thought about divorce. If we would have separated, I am fairly certain Jere would be the same with half the parenting power to try to help him. I have blamed the school. Walking away from them won't help him because a village is going to need to raise this child as Brian and I haven't been able to do it so far alone. I have blamed Jeremy. This kid is just so damn smart that he calls my bluff time and again. Someday he will be well served, but if I can't figure out how to get him to do his morning work, he will be in 4th grade until he is 40.
So here I am all naked, raw and sad hoping that if I type it out loud for the world to see that I am failing, that I have failed, that may be someone can help or may be someone knows someone who knows someone who can help. May be someone has that magic potion or magic mommy voodoo that can help me get back up in the saddle and figure this out. Right now I am out of options and my hope bucket is dried up.
